The Idle Parent by Tom Hodgkinson.

Motherhood is a funny thing.  It is, all at once, the most challenging, rewarding, demanding and enjoyable thing I have ever (and will ever) attempt.  As my daughter grows, life becomes easier and harder at the same time.  I've only been at this for three years but I see already how old worries and challenges slip away and are immediately replaced with new fears and new demands.  It's funny how a behavioral issue can seem so insurmountable and then, one day, it's just gone.  It's funny how much time can be spent worrying and stressing over a moment so fleeting, so temporary.  


I think I first encountered Tom Hodgkinson's The Idle Parent on GoodReads.  Based upon other parenting books I have read, The Idle Parent showed up as a recommended read.  I'm glad it did.  Parenting books can be so hit or miss for me.  I don't want something too preachy, too self-righteous, too statistical.  I want reality and humor and honesty.  From the first page, Hodgkinson seemed to promise me all of that and he kept his unspoken word.


Hodgkinson is a witty, brilliant, self-deprecating Brit who is married with three children.  Self-deprecating humor is my favorite (and something I like to think I've been perfecting for years) and I took an immediate liking to Hodgkinson's easy, laid-back writing style.  Each chapter addresses a different, relevant parenting topic but the overall message is always the same: the less we do for our children, the more they (and we!) will benefit.  


In an era where it seems mothers have all become participants (some willing, some not) in some sort of Pinterest-y, do-it-all-and-look-good-doing-it race to the Mother of the Year finish line, I found The Idle Parent to be a huge gush of fresh air.  Hodgkinson effectively argues that we do too much for our children, that we cater to them too much and thus raise dependent, whiny, needy children who are incapable of caring for or entertaining themselves.  This message really hit home for me as my current struggle is encouraging (and, at times, demanding) that my daughter play by herself for a portion of each day.  As much as I enjoy spending time with her, I fear that she is coming to rely on me too much for entertainment and play.  I want to raise a confident, independent girl and The Idle Parent has gifted me with many ideas on how to achieve that.


One of the notions that Hodgkinson discusses is that we do not expect our children to do work.  He argues that children need to learn to be a contributing part of the household.  He also argues that work need not seem like work and encourages parents to make work in to play.  In chapter two - Stop the Whining - Hodgkinson's message of "only the powerless whine - put them to work" resonated deeply with me.  My daughter has definitely been dabbling - big time - in whining lately and chapter two gave me some exciting ideas on how to combat the whine.  One idea was to have the entire family gather to wash dishes together after dinner each night.  Yes, most of us have perfectly good dishwashers but Hodgkinson's point was that this is part of teaching kids that we all play a part in the family and that family together time can encompass many different activities.  Though I initially felt some guilt about it (with thoughts of child labor floating around my head), I have begun to employ my daughter to help with dishes.  And you know what?  She LOVES it.  She is giddy to help with the dishes.  These little creatures of ours want to help so much and, although it often means more work for us parents, it really is best to let go and let them.


Another recommendation that Hodgkinson shared was how important our words are when requesting something from our children.  It is so important to them to feel in control and to make their own decisions.  When we demand that they get to the table for breakfast, they can often rebel and pitch a fit simply because it wasn't their idea in the first place.  Hodgkinson suggests saying "I'm going to go to the kitchen and have some breakfast.  Would you like to join me?"  Genius.  I've tried this tactic with my daughter and it really does work.  It gives them a feeling of autonomy while never really releasing the parental reigns.  Hodgkinson shares that when children feel oppressed, they naturally rebel.  This stuck with me and has helped me focus on changing my words or my approach in order to allow my child to feel more powerful and, therefore, to be more cooperative.  


Hodgkinson states that "we waste an inordinate amount of time and energy in attempting to correct faults that, given time, will correct themselves."  He specifically mentioned table manners with this.  For months on end I have been battling/begging/bribing Marina to please sit still and face the table when eating.  It is the most dreadful, losing battle of all time and it drives me mad because I desperately want her to have proper manners.  Reading Hodgkinson's advice on this has both hindered and helped me.  I understand what he is saying and I'd love to try to let this go and find peace in knowing that age will smooth this bump in the road.  But I also worry that ignoring the behavior sends the wrong message too.  Nonetheless, I think Hodgkinson has the right idea on so many fronts that I am inclined to try to find some sort of balance between our current battle and choosing peace.


I loved The Idle Parent.  It is another parenting book that I'd like to have on my shelf to refer to time and again.  So much of what he shared seemed so reasonable and simple that I wondered why I hadn't thought of it and why I over think this parenting thing so much.  Hodgkinson presents a simpler, more natural approach to the challenge of parenting that I am officially embracing.  I appreciated Hodgkinson's humor and candidness and wholeheartedly recommend The Idle Parent.